


she has everything she needs

by heartfounded



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Missing Scenes, buck really needs a hug, maddie is the best sister, s3e14 fix it, some good domestic buddie for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:41:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23748496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartfounded/pseuds/heartfounded
Summary: The adrenaline and worry had faded since returning with Chimney, Maddie, and Josh to Chim’s apartment, but the feeling still rattled around in his bones.He hadn’t hugged her beyond the quick squeeze outside the dispatch center and the small hug as they said their goodbyes just a few minutes ago. He’d been right about what he told Maddie’s supervisor: she had everything she needed.Maddie didn’t need him.(Or, missing scenes from the taking of dispatch 9-1-1. Alt, Buck realizes he loves Eddie.)
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 14
Kudos: 205





	she has everything she needs

The adrenaline and worry had faded since returning with Chimney, Maddie, and Josh to Chim’s apartment, but the feeling still rattled around in his bones.

He hadn’t hugged her beyond the quick squeeze outside the dispatch center and the small hug as they said their goodbyes just a few minutes ago. He’d been right about what he told Maddie’s supervisor: she had everything she needed.

Maddie didn’t need him.

And it shouldn’t sting. Not when he was relieved that Maddie was okay. Not when he was relieved that the worse she had fared were a few bumps and bruises. It shouldn’t, all things considered, sting. But it did. He was happy too. Happy that Maddie had found someone she loved, someone who loved her just as much if not more. He was happy with the life Maddie had made herself. But he was sad and exhausted too, twisted up in an uncomfortable mix that echoed to closely to the bombing. To the embolism. To the tsunami.

Buck shifted into drive, starting to inch out of the parking spot before he paused and inched back in. He stared down at his phone for only a second before dialing a number and pressing it against his ear.

Eddie picked up on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Shit. Were you sleeping, Eds? I’m sorry.” He shouldn’t have called. It wasn’t that late, but with Christopher and the previous night shift, Buck should’ve guessed that he was tired too.

“No, uh.” A short pause. “You caught me dozing, actually.” He conceded. “I was trying to read that book you got me.”

“I didn’t know you could read.”

“ _You_ bought the book for me.”

“How far did you get?” It was one of the few fiction books he read and liked, preferring facts and historical accounts to non-fiction.

After some shifting, Eddie answered. “Fifteen pages. On the dot. Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“Why’d you call?”

Buck let his head thump against the window. He could hear the concern that had crept into Eddie’s voice. He knew the face that went along with it. Buch had seen it before, on calls, reassuring patients, at Bobby’s party. He squirmed in his seat, thankful for the privacy.

“Maddie’s alright?” Eddie went on after Buck still hadn’t answered. “I saw it on the news and Bobby called to fill me in.”

“Yeah,” Buck sighed. “A little shaken up, but she’ll be fine. She’s gonna stay at Chimney’s for a few days. I really don’t want to know what they’ll be up to.” He tried, attempting his usual humor, but it sounded hollow.

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Are you okay, Evan?”

Buck sucked in a breath then cursed himself silently because there was no way Eddie missed that.

“Buck?”

“I don’t know.” He said finally, hating how tight his voice sounded.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” His voice cracked.

“Shit.” Eddie said before muttering something in Spanish he couldn’t catch. “I meant that it’s okay you don’t know. It’s okay to be feeling whatever you’re feeling. Even if you don’t know what exactly that is.”

They were both silent before Eddie continued. “Where are you?”

“Still in the parking lot at Chimney’s.”

“Good. You’re only twenty minutes away then.” Eddie said, followed by a quick click as the line went dead. Buck didn’t have time to answer one way or the other.

It took thirty-five minutes with traffic because LA traffic was still LA traffic, even if Eddie lived in a quieter part of it.

Buck had blinked back the tears as he drove. He pushed and shoved the anxiety and worry and fear deep into his gut. He willed it away. He was gonna go to Eddie’s. He was gonna have a few beers and a few laughs. He needed a distraction and Eddie got that. Eddie understood.

All the emotions he pushed away came rushing back up in a burst of tears and a loud, sharp sob as the door opened before him, his hand half raised to knock. Eddie pulled him into a hug. Despite the inches Buck had on Eddie, he felt small in the other man’s arms.

Buck tried to pull away. To suck in a breath and get himself to stop, but only more sobs racked his body with each attempt to stop. Eddie whispered a comforting hum of noise above him, something in Spanish maybe, as he led Buck away from the door. Eddie pulled him onto the couch without much resistance, so his upper body curled into his lap and his legs half hung off of the couch.

Steps sounded before him followed by a conversation he heard but did not comprehend beyond the individual words themselves as his sobs turned into hiccupping cries.

“Mijo, why are you up?”

“I heard crying. Is Bucky alright?” Christopher whispered.

“He’ll be fine. I promise, Chris. He just needs some time.” Eddie assured him. “Do you want me to help you back to bed?”

“No.” A small hand patted his chin, the only portion of his face not entirely buried against Eddie. “Love you, Buck. Feel better.” Chris whispered close to his ear; the only words Buck grasped out of the exchange above him.

Buck didn’t know how long he cried. Or how long he laid there, curled into Eddie’s lap too exhausted and wrung out to move. Eddie didn’t comment on his state. He didn’t ask questions, didn’t press Buck to explain himself. He just continued to speak in a gentle tone, switching between Spanish and English as he rubbed soothing circles into his back. Eventually his leg began to cramp up, forcing Buck to sit up slowly.

He felt off tilt, off his axis as he took stock of himself. His throat ached, his eyes stung, and as he looked over at Eddie, he realized, embarrassingly, that part of Eddie’s jeans and shirt were damp with Buck’s tears. Eddie didn’t notice the embarrassment that touched his cheeks, only patting his shoulder gently as he moved from the couch to the kitchen. He returned a second later with a water for Buck.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d want anything to eat.”

Buck shook his head. The thought of food made his stomach twist uncomfortably. He accepted the water with a tight smile.

“Thanks, Eds.” His voice was wrecked. He’d be lucky if it wasn’t gone completely come morning.

Eddie shook his head. “No worries, okay? You’d do the same for me.” He paused. “Did you wanna talk about it?”

Buck shook his head, not trusting himself to refuse without breaking down again.

“Did you wanna sleep?”

He shook his head again. Sleep would just bring up the feelings he spent an hour -hours? – crying over. He wasn’t ready to confront them again.

“Okay, Netflix then?”

Buck nodded. He didn’t have much interest in actually watching it, just needing something of a distraction, so he let Eddie pick. Eddie decided on a lighthearted comedy. Buck didn’t laugh at any of the jokes, but the show did earn a few small smiles. As the show progressed, he shifted, unconsciously, closer to Eddie. Buck lived for touch – platonic or otherwise. He leaned against Eddie again. Eddie only shifted, letting Buck’s head fall against his shoulder.

“Buck! Daddy!” Little hands pushed and pulled at them both.

Buck blinked his eyes open, trying to make sense of the blond curls and worried face before him. Trying to make sense of the ache in his back that indicated he’d slept sleeping up right, his head pillowed against Eddie.

“Dad! I’m going to be late! It’s already six-thirty! _You_ always say we have to leave at six-fourty-five!” A rush of words poured out of Chris’s mouth before his eyes landed on Buck. The sheer determination and annoyance mixed with worry so strong, Buck almost wanted to shrink back from it. “ _Buck_.”

There was no way he could drive him to school. He would – so, Eddie could sleep – but he was still wrecked. His version was blurry, and his throat felt awful. So, Buck reached over and poured the remnants of his water bottle on Eddie.

Christopher laughed as Eddie spluttered awake, cursing in Spanish before his eyes landed on – and probably comprehended – Christopher before them.

Eddie shuffled Christopher off to the bathroom, leaving Buck to fully wake up. A slow process when all he wanted to do was stretch out across the couch and resume sleeping. Fighting past the urge, he stood and walked over to the kitchen on stiff legs. He sorted out breakfast for Chris – toaster waffles and a banana. It wasn’t much compared to the pancakes and complicated omelets he liked to make normally, but it had the benefit of being mobile. Chris could eat it in the car. Then he sorted out his lunchbox with better success. Eddie kept snacks well stocked and he had leftovers from dinner that’d be fine cold.

He finished just in time for Christopher to give him a parting hug. Eddie gave him a grateful smile, mouthing his thanks. As the two left, Buck contemplated returning to sleep on the couch before one look towards Eddie open door, his still made bed peeking through, had him reconsidering. He knew Eddie wouldn’t mind.

Buck woke up to the smell of coffee and something sweet. Eddie’s bed was warm, someone – Eddie – had tucked the blankets loosely around him. And plugged in his phone, leaving it within easy reach on the nightstand along with a bottle of water.

Eleven-thirty-eight am. Two missed calls and three texts from Maddie, one from Bobby, and one each from Chimney and Hen. He knew he should get up. Apologize for the ordeal and get out of Eddie’s hair. Call Maddie back so she didn’t worry. But something kept him rooted. So, he thumbed through the texts. Let himself enjoy the warmth a few minutes longer. He let Maddie and Chim know he made it home alright and would stop by around four. Buck didn’t tell either one that he’d gone to Eddie’s instead. He didn’t want their teasing or worry. 

Maddie didn’t need him. Nor did she need to worry about him.

He texted Bobby to thank Athena again for him, for keeping him from doing something totally stupid and reckless. Something totally Buck 1.0. Running in with no plan – no thought at all. Then he let Hen know Maddie was alright and would likely appreciate the homemade cookies whenever Karen had the time to deliver them.

Texts sorted, he still debated getting up. Eddie’s place was warm and comforting… it was home. His heart squeezed at the realization. Christopher and Eddie….this was _home_.

The thought has him looking towards the living room. To Eddie. Except the door had been closed, by Eddie. So, Buck could sleep. So, he could collect himself from his episode.

Because he was _exhausting_.

Because Maddie _didn’t_ need him.

Neither did Eddie, he realized. Eddie had Chris. And Maddie had Chim.

His duffle bag had been deposited by the door by Eddie as well. With nothing else left tethering him to the bed, the warmth had been sucked away and his phone was silent in his hands, he collected up his things and showered quickly. He’d thank Eddie for letting him breakdown, apologize for almost making Chris late to school, and for being a nuisance in general.

Buck sucked in a breath, prepared to apologize as he pushed open the door.

There was Spanish music playing joined by Eddie’s soft singing. Eddie was folding laundry on the couch. An action Buck had witnessed a dozen times, but not like this. He squeezed in chores while Buck occupied Christopher, trying to split his attention between both. Eddie looked completely relaxed, a lazy smile at his lips as he sang along.

“Hey, how’d you sleep?” Eddie asked before his eyes narrowed at the sight of the bag hanging on Buck’s shoulder. “You don’t have to leave so fast.”

“I –“ He should apologize. Blurt out the words while he was still standing. Blurt out the words and then dash out the door. But Eddie looked happy and something smelled good, so Buck set down his bag with a small thump. “Didn’t want it stinking up your room.” As if setting it outside his door was much better.

Eddie laughed. “Dude, I haven’t done my own laundry in a like week. Add to the funk.” He shrugged, before holding up one of Chris’s shirts for Buck to see. “I don’t know how this kid goes through so many clothes in a day or how he got so big. His shirts used to be soo small.”

“Yeah?” Buck peaked into the oven. Cinnamon buns. Or, well, just one.

“I was gonna wait till you were up to eat mine, but you were having a sleeping beauty moment.” Eddie called over his shoulder. “You always make puppy eyes at the counter whenever we have calls at a mall.”

“Thanks.” He slid the cinnamon bun onto a plate before sitting at the table. He couldn’t sit next to Eddie. Eddie would smile, say something nice, blink those brown eyes, and then his whole plan for apologizing would be pushed out the window.

“Hey, remind me to grab the box of pictures from closest. You gotta see how much this boy has grown.”

Buck just nodded; thankful he had the excuse of eating to save him from speaking. Eddie returned to folding laundry, launching into easy chatter about what he’d been up to with Chris the day before. Buck could almost imagine a lifetime of this. Of getting Chris ready to school. To mundane activities on their day off. He shook his head. He couldn’t go there.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

Buck let out a small puff of air. “Yeah, shoot.”

“What would you have done if Athena hadn’t stopped you? Bobby told me.” Eddie reminded him.

“I don’t know.” Buck answered truthfully. “Whatever, it probably wouldn’t have been good.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t. I don’t know what we would’ve done if you were in there too.”

Buck was silent for a long moment. “We?”

“Chris and I.” Eddie clarified; brown eyes filled with concerned.

“You don’t mean that.” Buck sighed; napkin crumpled in his fist. “You don’t.” His vision narrowed down to a single point on the table. “I’m replaceable and I’m exhausting. And you don’t mean it. I’m sorry about last night and dumping all of that on you. But you don’t mean it. So – just don’t. Don’t say anything.” He was crying. Not the same loud, crushing of sobs of last night, but sniffling ones he willed himself to stop. His eyes unfocused with the effort to not let any more tears slip down his cheeks.

Buck missed Eddie move from the couch and take the seat closest to him. He missed the other reach out to take his hand, till he felt Eddie’s thumb moving in circles against the back of his hand in an effort to get him to unclench his fist. Buck yanked his hand back, dropping it in his lap. Then he stood up, forcing his eyes to focus on Eddie.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated. “I should go. I- I told Mads I’d be over soon.” It was just past twelve. He’d go back to his place or just drive around aimlessly till four. He made to move for the door, but Eddie stepped in front of him. For being shorter, Eddie knew how to be imposing when needed. Buck dropped back into his seat, eyes falling on the floor. He refused to look at Eddie. To acknowledge all the ways he had monumentally fucked up.

Eddie let out a breath, settling back into his own seat. “Maddie texted me to check in the morning when you didn’t answer right away. So, you are going to sit while I talk. If you want go after, you can. Okay?”

Buck nodded.

There was a long moment of silence.

“I shouldn’t have ever said that.”

“But you were right and – “

“No.” Eddie cut him off. “I’m gonna say what I need to say. And when I’m done, you can say whatever you need to. Or you can leave. Whatever you need to do, okay? Just let me speak first, please?”

It sounded like desperation in Eddie’s voice. Paired with unsureness. He dared a glance from the floor. Eddie’s eyes were red. He was chewing his lip.

“Okay.” Buck said.

Eddie shifted in his seat. “I was wrong to say that. I shouldn’t have and – and I wished I could go and take it back. I wish I could take everything back. Before the tsunami or the lawsuit. I don’t blame you for either, Evan. I don’t. But I blame myself. I saw you hurting, and I don’t know. I thought watching Chris would help and maybe it did for a moment but we both know we’re still dealing from the fallout.

“And that’s on me. I _used_ my son. I continued to use him, even after. Though, I think after it helped him too. But that’s not the point. Instead of just talking to you. Instead of facing it head on. I wasn’t a very good friend to you.” Buck watched as Eddie leaned back in his seat. Glanced away quickly when their eyes met. They’d joked around about Eddie’s fighting. He knew about Chris’s therapy and the nightmares. But he didn’t know Eddie felt responsible. He never even considered the possibility.

He’d been so lost in all the ways he fucked up with Eddie, he never considered Eddie felt some share of that blame.

Eddie scrubbed at his face. “Ever since Shannon’s death…. I’ve been numb. And if not numb, then angry. It’s awful, Evan. Christopher will tell me about something from school and I know I should be laughing. I can recognize that. I just don’t feel it most of the time. Even with therapy. And I can’t tell Chris about it. I can’t let him worry or feel like he has to hide stuff from me. I don’t want him being like me. So, I started fighting and I took it out on you.

“I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, Ev. You are not a burden. You are not exhausting. I think I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making sure you understand that. I don’t know how, but I am.” He laughed breathlessly. “Evan, you’re my best friend. You’re Christopher’s and I’s family.”

Eddie wasn’t crying, but Buck knew he close to it.

There was a lot to unpack. A lot that Eddie had alluded it if Buck thought about it – the grumbling about Frank, the fighting, his hesitance to mention Shannon. And he missed it all because of the lawsuit and the unease it created between their once close friendship.

God, he wished he could take that back. He couldn’t have done anything to prevent the tsunami, neither could have Eddie, but he should’ve stopped the lawsuit.

“Is Frank helping?” It seemed as a good of a place to start as any.

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. “Sometimes? I don’t know. I guess maybe I should be trying harder. But I go. For Christopher.”

“It’s something. It’s a start.” Buck tried. There was a lot more to say. More to dissect. But Buck knew it was enough for now that he just listen. That’s what Eddie needed.

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded. “It is. I like that.”

“I also think we both need to stop blaming ourselves for a natural disaster. Someone a lot smarter than me said as such.” His lips pulled up into a small loop sided smile. “So, no arguments.”

Eddie nodded. “Listen, I needed to say that you for a while. Should’ve said it sooner, really. You needed to hear it. But I think something brought up all of that too.” Buck’s blow up, he meant. “Is it because of what happened with Maddie?”

Buck frowned, fingers pushing at the abandoned plate still on the table. “Yes. And no. I guess I just realized that with Chim and her job that she doesn’t need me anymore.”

“Buck, that’s ridiculous. She’s you’re sister. She’s always going to need you.”

“I just – It’s hard for me to feel that, I guess? Everyone has something outside of the one-eighteen. You have Christopher. Hen has Karen and Denny. Bobby has Athena and May and Harry. Michael too, kinda. Chimney has Maddie, obviously.”

“First, you listed off everyone who has kid or a significant other. Or both. Second, you have Chris and I.”

Buck shook his head. “It isn’t the same.”

“Okay, fine. Maybe it isn’t, but you still have us. No matter what.”

“Okay.”

“Good.” Eddie said, stranding and stretching from his seat. “Can I show you those pictures of Christopher?”

“Sure. Yeah, I’d like that.”

The rest of the afternoon was spent quietly between them. Eddie looked like he wanted to talk more. He’d open his mouth then reconsider it, closing his mouth just to open it again a second later. Buck knew he should comment on it. Draw out whatever Eddie wanted to put out between them, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t deal with any more revelations or heart break.

He just needed to be.

So, he smiled at the pictures of Christopher. Let Eddie pick out a terrible soap-y drama movie without complaint. If he was honest, both were going through the motions of a typical afternoon. Without the usual laughter and easy jokes.

Maybe that was enough sometimes: going through the motions till they got to were they needed to be.

“Did you wanna pick up Chris with me?”

Buck frowned. He knew he should. Chris would be excited, and he did want to. Chris’s smile made any bad day bearable, but his heart wasn’t in it. Chris would know instantly; he’d see the quiet unease between them. Eddie had said so himself, he didn’t want Chris to worry.

“Next time. I think I’m going to stop by my apartment first before Maddie’s.”

Buck didn’t miss the frown Eddie quickly plastered into a soft smile.

“Let me know when you get to Maddie’s, okay?”

“Yeah.”

Normally, he loved his sixth story apartment. The height and corner location made it quiet, as if he didn’t live in a busy city. An island of quiet from the hustle of LA. The giant windows helped too. It was the kind of bright, warm quiet he needed after a hard shift. But as he set his keys and mail on the counter, echoing too closely to yesterday morning when Chim called, the silence was suffocating, the place cold. He missed Eddie’s easy chatter, Chris’s footsteps. Even the kid’s worried pout. Anything that made his apartment feel less empty and hollow.

He tidied up his apartment, listening to the same music Eddie had been to earlier. It filled up the space, somewhat. Then he spent the next hour scrolling aimlessly through his phone, legs stretched across his couch. Nearer to four, he decided to see what, if anything, he had to bring to Maddie’s. An appetizer, maybe? Or a dip he knew Maddie loved; she begged for it whenever they did parties. Unfortunately, his fridge was near empty – stocked more with booze than substantial food. Nothing enough to take over. Pizza it’d be for Maddie’s then, with a bottle of white wine.

On the drive over to Chim’s, he picked over his words. Maddie had been silent despite the missed calls, seemingly satisfied with him in the company of Eddie. She’d ask. About it. About Eddie. She’d turn those big eyes on him, and he’d be helpless to whatever she asked.

And he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell her how helpless he felt or how that had bubbled up into a mess of sobs last night. He couldn’t tell her that somehow, in the aftermath, it had resulted in his realizing he loved Eddie Diaz.

He couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t tell anyone. Buck couldn’t risk losing Eddie and Chris. He rather have them in his life in some way than not at all if his confession of feelings drove Eddie away. If Eddie didn’t feel the same.

He’d live with it.

Buck shot a quick text to Maddie, letting her know he was on his way up to the apartment. He made small talk with one of his neighbors on the elevator ride up, grateful, surprisingly, for the normalcy.

Normalcy was forgotten the second he approached the door to Chimney’s apartment, which was already open. Maddie stood there eager and waiting. She virtually tossed the pizza aside, pulling Buck into a rib crushing hug.

“I’m sorry, Buck.” She said into his chest.

Buck frowned, quiet for a second as he savored the hug. He needed it. Not just due to yesterday, though it was a big reason, but because of everything else. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

Maddie looked up at him, still within his arm’s reach. Still standing inside the doorway. “Because I’m big sister, I should’ve seen you were struggling, Buck. I’m sorry.” She repeated.

He pressed a quick kiss to the top of her head then moved them both properly inside Chim’s apartment before addressing her words. “I didn’t even see it. So, there’s no blame for missing it, okay?” Maddie nodded and he meant his words. He wasn’t angry with her, never was. Scared and a little loss? He’d admit to that.

“I’m glad you went to Eddie’s.” She said, setting the boxes of pizza in the kitchen before hunting down wine glasses.

“Why?” Buck asked, pulling out plates and depositing two slices each.

“Because he’s Eddie. You guys are super close. I don’t love the fact that I missed my little brother having a moment.” She held up a hand so Buck couldn’t protest to her words. “But I’m thankful you had Eddie with you. He said it’d was pretty bad.”

They had settled into the couch, plates and wine glasses carefully balanced, as Maddie spoke. Buck was grateful for the pizza providing an excellent excuse to speaking right away.

“Wait, did Eddie call you?”

“Yeah and he texted a few times. I was a little worried when you didn’t answer. You _always_ answer your phone. You’re like the only person I know who prefers to call people on the phone.”

He was quiet as he chewed his pizza. He’d known that Eddie had touched based with Maddie. He just hadn’t thought that Eddie would’ve taken the time to tell Maddie the exacts of what had happened. Buck chewed his lip, worried at the detail Eddie might have revealed.

“It was a good thing, Buck.” Maddie added.

Buck nodded.

“I’ve missed Buckley nights.” She announced with a smile, bumping his knee which resulted in a small splash of wine. Maddie shrieked with laughter, coaxing Buck out of his head.

“I’m sure Chim doesn’t. Remember when you spilled marinara sauce on his couch?” Chimney had been forced to third wheel as it’d been their only day off that lined up. Chim had pouted dramatically the whole time.

“Oh, he doesn’t.” Maddie fake sighed. “It was a condition on my taking over a drawer – no marinara sauce within ten feet of his beloved couch.”

“I thought you were moved in.” He snorted.

“I took his drawer… and half of his closet.” She added at Buck’s unconvinced look.

“Maddie, your coffee maker is here. You told me you would have it’s babies cause it makes the perfect cup.”

“I did not! And my coffee maker is still in my apartment.” She huffed.

Buck craned his neck. There it was, the coffee maker sat pristinely on the counter behind them.

“Maddie.” He turned back, narrowing his eyes at her. They weren’t even halfway through the bottle. “It is sitting right there. Did you hit your head?”

“No.” She sing-songed, her face the picture of innocence.

“Maddie.” He groaned.

“I bought another coffee maker. So, technically mine is still at home. I wasn’t lying.” She answered, a mischievous smile on her lips.

“What’s wrong with Chim’s?” Both Chim and Maddie were coffee freaks. Buck preferred tea but would have coffee every once in a while. He didn’t understand their obsessions.

“Chim’s coffee maker doesn’t complete me.”

Buck shook his head. “You two are going to be the death of me.” He muttered.

Maddie, in answer, flicked a piece of pepperoni in his direction. It landed greasy side down on the couch. They both stared down at it, breaking out into laughter at the same time. Buck returned from the kitchen with more napkins, pizza, and wine. Considering the small mess and the fuss Chim was sure to make, he was very protective of his things, the additional wine was a bad idea, but, at this point, Buck didn’t really care. He had an exhausting two days. He was going to drink wine with his sister, try to find some happiness in the mess. Like he should’ve done last night. With Eddie.

“Hey, you know you can talk about it if you want to?”

Buck shrugged his shoulders in answer. Maddie had turned the tv to some reality show. It wasn’t a true Buckley Night without crappy tv they both made fun of. “What’s there to talk about? I broke down on my best friend’s porch then cried in his lap for an hour. Maybe longer. And then I yelled at him for it the next day.”

“Buck.”

He shook his head. “I’m pretty talked out, Mads.”

“Well, I’m not.” She crossed her arms. With the look she fixed at him, Buck knew continuing to resist or avoid the topic was pointless. Maddie would throw the whole pizza at him if it got him to talk.

He leaned back into the couch, his eyes settling on the ceiling. “I think I realized that everyone has something outside of the one-eighteen. I don’t have anything, Mads. And I felt, at least in the moment, that you didn’t need me because you have Howie.”

“Evan,” Maddie sighed, reaching out to hold his hand. Buck still wasn’t ready to look at her, continuing to gaze up at the ceiling. Chim needed to dust up there. “That’s not true. You’re my brother. I wouldn’t even have Howie in my life if it weren’t for you. You’re not replaceable. Ever.” She went on. “We’re siblings. We’re together for life, okay?”

“Yeah.” He nodded; his throat tight. Buck didn’t want to cry again. He didn’t think he had any tears left to shed. “I get that now. Just in the moment, you know?” He shrugged his shoulder again unsure of how else to voice how he was feeling.

“In the moment, we were both pretty scared. The brain deals with trauma in different ways. God, knows between the both of us, we’ve seen more than our fill of it.”

Buck laughed at that. A tiny, slightly broken laugh, but it was better than tears. Or so he told himself.

“Eddie said he’s never seen you cry like that. He seemed pretty scared when we talked in the morning.”

He sucked in a breath, hoping despite feeling her stare, that Maddie missed it. “Yeah, I – “Buck took a moment. “I don’t think I’ve broken down like that in front of anyone before. I prefer those moments in private you know?” He joked. It wasn’t entirely a joke. Although, he wished for Maddie to see it that way.

Everyone expected Buck to Buck. A bit of man-child who meant well, even when he went about it in the wrong way. Tears and panic attacks were not part of the package people expected of him. There was no room for either.

Maddie was silent, squeezing his hand again before she spoke. “Do you do that a lot? In private I mean?”

He wanted to lie. Shrug it off like he did everything else. But he knew his sister. He knew she’d push against whatever lie he tried to push away the truth with. “Sometimes. After the bombing and the tsunami.” Especially after the tsunami, but there was only so much honesty he could tolerate tonight. There was a limit he decided.

“You can talk to me whenever you need to.”

He didn’t have the confidence to speak without stumbling over his words. There was no easy way to say that he couldn’t. At least, not in way that didn’t upset her. The thing was, he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Period. He knew that he should. He knew the longer he let everything fester, the worst the nightmares and the panic attacks would become but that was a step he was hesitant to take.

“There’s always therapy too if you don’t want to talk to me or anyone from the one-eighteen.”

“Yeah.” He breathed. “Not happening.” At least not any time soon. “I slept with therapist. I’m not ready for that.”

“Then get a guy therapist.”

“I slept with my therapist.” He repeated.

“Oh.” She exhaled.

“Yeah.”

Maddie squeezed his knee; she’d let go of his hand. “Well, I’m here whenever you need it. And maybe you need to find something outside of the fire department too. Something that’s entirely your own.” Buck patted her hand. He’d look into it. Whatever that might be.

Satisfied with their talk, Maddie leaned back and turned up the volume. “Can you believe that dress? I swear these dresses glitzier every year.”

“They’re trying to make up for the lack of personality. You can’t hide it with gold glitter, Karen!” He half shouted at the tv, resulting in Maddie’s laughter.

Between the two, they finished the pizza (the second one he bought for leftovers and for Chim) and the bottle of wine. Maddie searched the kitchen for some sort of dessert. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that she should just sit back down. He’d burst if he ate anything else. Warm from the wine, he took the opportunity to stretch out his legs. Maddie just sighed, lifting his legs up when she returned, settling them in her lap. She plopped a half dozen cookies on a plate between them, using his legs as a makeshift table.

“Tadaaa! Karen dropped them off. I’m trying to eat them all before Chim gets home, so he doesn’t know I got them in the first place.”

“You could just hide them.”

“I could, but where’s the fun in that?”

The finished the show. And the cookies. Maddie insisted on watching the next episode – she recorded them and was drastically behind. Buck didn’t mind, enjoying the company and trashing the show. It wasn’t particularly late, just past eight, but sleep nipped at him.

“Mads.” He poked at her shoulder; she was half asleep next to him. “I think I’m gonna head home.”

“What?” That had her nearly jumping from the couch, now fully awake. “Don’t be silly.” She frowned at him. “We both drank too much.”

“I’m not drunk.” He insisted. Buck wasn’t. “I’m fine to drive.”

“We finished the whole bottle.” She said shaking her head at him. “I’m not letting you drive home.”

“Fine,” Because it wasn’t worth the argument. And he didn’t want her to worry. He’d done enough of that already.

Buck settled onto his stomach on the couch after Maddie helped him set it up for the night. Chim wasn’t home yet, working a twenty-four shift he had covered for someone and couldn’t get out of. He just hoped Chim was quiet when he got home. Buck needed one morning of a peaceful wake up.

“Mads?”

She finished draping a blanker over him. When was the last time Maddie had done this? He had to have been a kid. Maybe that’s why he said that. Or the wine. Or that he knew, of the all people who could share this with, she’d never betray his confidence.

“I love him, Maddie.” Buck whispered. “I love Eddie and I don’t want to lose him.”

“I know.” She whispered back. “And you won’t.”

Buck was too tired to protest, mumbling a sleepy thanks after she kissed his cheek.

He woke to the smell of coffee and burnt eggs. Hushed voices carried from the kitchen, Maddie teasing Chim for the burnt food. Buck squeezed his eyes shut for a second, wishing for more sleep but knowing it wouldn’t come. He wished for the smell of coffee paired with something sweet.

To be woken by a pouty eight-year-old with his father right beside him.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i hope you enjoyed this post ep fic! let me know what you think! i loved the idea of eddie confessing how he felt, but it felt too rushed. it just didn't fit for now so i'll be working on the sequel.


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